Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?

(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)

Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.

Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.

Group: *all rushing to place bets*

Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.

video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!

me: [walks around the room]

video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!

Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.

“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.

Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?

*aliens come to earth to steal our water*

[cut to]

*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*

I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.

One time a grocery store clipboard guy was going too hard so I said “I’ve got fish in the car” and the weird level of specificity shut the whole interaction down. Now I use it all the time. Can’t talk, fish in the car. Works even better if you’re not at a grocery store honestly.

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”

Moon: “So?”

Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”

Moon: “Very funny.”

Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages

Your neck. There’s an axe for that.

If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.

A salesman knocked on my door today.

“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.

I said, “My next door neighbour.”

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign

I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”