Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!

H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!

M: Never mind, carry on.

Godzilla’s attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.

I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.

I was young. It was a different time.

Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.

I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.

If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling

Got kicked out of Scale Model Club for suggesting we change our name to the Itty Bitty City Committee.

So the neighbor just came by & my daughter asked if she liked the cookies. My neighbor said, “I sure did! I ate them for breakfast.” My daughter slowly turned her head & looked back at me in disbelief, realizing for the first time that adults can eat whatever the f*** they want.

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

*at lawyer’s office*

Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon

*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!

Do furries go to doctors or vets?

No Linda. You didn’t train your cat to stay off the counters. You trained your cat to stay off the counters when you’re around

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.

This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

Interior designer.

I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t

There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

woke up on the wrong side of the jed today

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”

Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.