Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”

Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”

5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”

Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!

carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

“I don’t see color.”

-dogs

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”

“They all called to say they’re running late”

am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk

Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!

M: *swoons*

Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation

This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.

His name was John.

An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.

I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.

Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.

Toothpaste: Hi

She: I like Cats
He:

My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.

hotel guest: what room am I in?

me: this is the lobby

manager: can I talk to you

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”

Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.