I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
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Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
sisyphus was lowkey stupid just pushing that boulder over and over again 🙄🙄🙄 anyway this is the 15th time i reset my password this year but i do not need to write it down because this time i will for SURE remember it
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
My blood type is coffee.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
