I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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yeah no that’s fair
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
All is fair in drunk and war.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?
Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.