I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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Netflix and scream at our children?!
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
We avoided this particular disaster
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey man we’re over here you don’t even know those people.”
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Remember kids, when you get assigned the special kinda illegal project at work – it’s not because you’re on the inner circle – it’s because you’re the expendable fall guy weakling who will misinterpret inclusion to illicit conspiracy as the illusion of respect you crave.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.