I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
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Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
I’m trying to shower you with affection. It doesn’t matter how I got into your bathroom.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
Me at a rave: Where the fuck are the chairs
Interior designer.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.