I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
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I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is