I called out to my daughter in her room and said I had an antique to show her.
She called out, “If I open the door, am I just going to see you?”
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Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
[squirrel meeting]
Chief Squirrel: everyone, I suspect someone among us is an infiltrator
Owl: hoo
Chief Squirrel: (solemnly) that’s what we’re trying to find out Owen
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Happy thanksgiving
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If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.