Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*

Pizza Hut: May I take your order?

Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?

Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

Guilty! 🤪

4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!

Me: What’s her name?

4: I don’t remember.

This strip mall certainly is misleading

And I probably should put my clothes back on now.

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?

The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

I just love that new Pope smell.

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

Him: you know, a baby deliverer…

Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

We do this thing at my house where somebody puts an empty pizza box on top of the trash can and then someone else puts trash on top of that and then another person puts trash on top of that and suddenly we’re all playing jenga in reverse

My lack of pants is nobody’s business.

Halloween is cool because it’s the one night a year I don’t get in trouble for pretending to be a doctor

If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.

My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.

Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.

Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.