Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.

bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”

…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??

I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Guilty! 🤪

Boss: It’s a make or break situation!

Me: I’ll take a break then tnx

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so

I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?

no cat here

The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive

interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?

me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else

When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver

I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

I’m starting to regret building that time portal. A version of me from a dystopian alternate future keeps coming back to eat my chips. He says the alien government’s killbots won’t let them have snacks, but he always shows up covered in Cheeto dust.

I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?

My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

I believe I can flyyy.

I believe I can touch the skyyy.

I believe I was mistaaaken.

I believe I’m faaalling.

I believe I’m gonna diiiie.