Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules here

ME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk

imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night

Apparently telling your friends not to stress about their wedding because “it’s your first marriage” is not the right thing to say

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment

*serious situation*

My brain:

Me: I think this is going pretty well.

Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’

Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm

If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes

Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.

After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.

The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.

I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.

[best read with a French accent]

“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature

[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender

Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”

I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.

You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool