Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”

-fuse box on a power trip.

My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own

An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.

My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions

[Job interview]

Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next

Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit

[job interview]

My greatest weaknesses are I’m terrible with money and a compulsive liar

The government: You’re hired

Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?

Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Quadruple digit IQ

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics

I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.

You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean

One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“

Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad

Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID