I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.
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No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Oh no Moo Deng noo!!
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
