Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
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A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Very problematic
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.