I called the cops on my own party one time because I was ready to go to bed.

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Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.


I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people


WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS


What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?

A good wedding reception


Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!

*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*


Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”

Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”


girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?

me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets

girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda


Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.


Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.


If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.