I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
If you ever see me sleeping with one leg sticking out from under the blanket please don’t cover it back up, that’s my climate control system
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click