I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
You Might Also Like
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I was born a woman, which came as a tremendous shock to my parents as they’d been expecting a baby.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
Thank you for calling our automated help line. To save time, please answer these 8 questions about your account that our live agent will then re-ask you if I ever eventually connect you to them.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell