Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years

Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*

[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty

If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.

Honey I made you some hotdog water

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.

Female judge: Case dismissed!

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

Tobacco causes Cancer

Alcohol causes Dancer

The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.

He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.

4 yo: “Miss Katie, when you were a baby did your parents die and leave you alone?”

My friend: “Sorry, they watched Annie yesterday.”

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.

Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work

When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.

boy: you have really pretty eyes…
me: *suspicious* thank you…???
boy: *leans in slowly*
me: NO!!!! You cant have them!!!!!

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u