Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.

I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.

They’re watchdogs.

My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”

I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.

Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.

Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?

Me: Stay at home couch accessory.

Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo

Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.

*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

File under excellent bookstore names.

Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.

I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.

Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.

Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word