I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
You Might Also Like
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
The funk soul brother
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Dune (2021)
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds