I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Me: In relationships, listening and communicating are key.
Husband: Did you check the counter? Maybe your purse? You’re always losing things.
Me: This is nice.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000’s and I’m dead.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My forté is using words like forté with aplomb while using words like aplomb as though it were my forté.
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.