I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
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Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
why I oughta
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Why did they have to bleep out everything R2D2 said?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
