I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
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My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?