I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
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[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Another day, another…goddammit
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
Hosting Thanksgiving? Bring up politics so everyone will leave early.
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
