“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
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Anyone want to go on a date with me tomorrow? It’s a house chores date. You come over and help clean the house, gutters included, fix a few things. Car needs detailed too. Then when we’re done you can just ghost me
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Oops
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
