i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD
Me: omg okay
[45 minutes into our walk]
Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM
Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.