i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Once I dreamt I’d pissed the bed and when I woke up I had. So never let people tell you dreams can’t come true.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
ARE YOU READY FOR TACOOO TUESDAAYYYY?
— my kid on a Saturday
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos