i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
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You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
[muffled voice] I love what you’ve done with your trunk.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought