I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-
Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!
boss: oh God
Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I wish I loved anything as much as teenage baggers at the grocery store love treating my fruit like it was made of adamantium.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
