Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Caesar [dying]: remember me

Soldier: we will name a salad after you

Caesar: ok

Soldier: with stale chunks of bread

Caesar: actually nev-

Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese

Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me

spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?

Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”

Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”

*sound of hooves in kitchen*

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mind

Her: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarm

Her: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad

[my dog at the window]

Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.

My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.

Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.

So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.

Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit

Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one

wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes

I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.

Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.

one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun

Me: *trying to sleep*

Gf: Babe?

Me: Hmm?

Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?

Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”

Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time

My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger

children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?

Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.