I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
You Might Also Like
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.
Unimpressed
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
That’s fair
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.