I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.