Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

pisses me off to see people assume justin timberlake “driving while intoxicated” = “drunk driving.” he might have been intoxicated by an aroma, a sound, an idea.

A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”

this tweet changed my entire outlook on life

I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.

Egyptians don’t walk like that.

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.

CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me

Years ago, my mate had his car broken into. Luckily they didn’t steal it and also didn’t take any of his CD’s. He has appalling taste in music and we told everyone they left him some CD’s out of pity..

I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

any last words?

age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]

Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

Called in, “Covered in Vicks VapoRub. Taking a menthol health day.”

my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree

You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.

Parenthood taught me that if you’re running late and tell your kid to hurry, your kid will be super slow, BUT if you wait patiently, your kid will also be super slow. It doesn’t matter.

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

Wealthy person whose material needs are met without question who also meditates sometimes: Meditation is my secret weapon.

[Farmer’s market]

Me: One of your finest farmers plz

Farmer: That’s not how this works

Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own