I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
I take off my blindfold. Before me is a gory tableau of death and destruction, bodies strewn across the landscape. The piñata is unscathed.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Selfie
“I wouldn’t.”