I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
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Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Alexa, here is a sock. You are a free elf now.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
This kinda thing happens to me often
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Meanwhile in Heaven…
Steve Jobs: [demonstrating device] You can listen to hymns, download prayers, create prayerlists, and manage your souls. I call it the iGod.
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
It was worth a shot 😂
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair