Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.

“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Nurse: we need to draw some blood

Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this

date: I come from a broken home

bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken

I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.

Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*

Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch?
M: I’d rather be the Mom
K: ooh, right. Much scarier.

My uncle brought out a range of women’s nightwear that’s so ugly he’s being sued for gross negligées

Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)

The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.

tell em, edith-anne

Are kids ever okay at all?😂

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1462311812565770240/pu/vid/640x1138/NIX03SXi6_DSFIYG.mp4?tag=12

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

[heaven’s IT department]

Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?

God: Yes, why?

Too many open windows

Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.

It feels very accusatory.

Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds

Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.

[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD

I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before

I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.

Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.

CONDUCTOR: Oh my dad’s in the audience
[waves to dad]
[orchestra goes crazy]