I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
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The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
This is my emotional support knife.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
liiiiiiiiike
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?