I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
scientifically speaking, how long do you plan to be this stupid?
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
Serving time in more than one prison is polyslamory.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Did my cat write this
My wife treats me like a check engine light
She does something that turns me on
Then ignores me and hopes I go away
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Camping tip: No.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
i now pronounce you bounced.
