I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Good morning.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
[takes deep breath, whispers to self]
“Be brave, you got this”Me: The Nacho Everest Platter please
Waiter: Ma’am, that is for 4 people
Me: Sir, I don’t like your tone
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Don’t work for at least an hour after lunch or you’ll get cramps.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
Pro tip: when a cop asks you to step out of the car, don’t reply with “I’m too drunk, you get in.”
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
🤣🤣🤣
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
