date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
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*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
“absolutely no reason at all”
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
The 9 circles of hell:
1) shopping on Black Friday
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!