5: Whose car is this?
Grandfather: Well, let’s figure it out. I just got here and the car just got here. Whose car do you think it is?
5: Mine.
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so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.
Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
If snakes were wide
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
I’m creating an “OnlyDans,” where Dans get together to complain about being called “Dan the man, Daniel-san” and “Danny Boy” our whole lives.
Jail
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.