I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
I asked my 6 year old if he wanted to try out again for the school play and he said no I think I’ll take a break from Hollywood.
Husband: *gently taps me on the shoulder before l’ve had my first cup of coffee*
Me:
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
the way turkeys feel about november is probably how treadmills feel about january
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
yesterday at the post office, guy in front of me:
“i’m interested in sending a letter.”
po clerk: “OK do you have the letter?”
guy: “no I do not”.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum