I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
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My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
It’s pretty embarrassing how all these guys keep falling for this cute bartender’s flirting, when it’s obvious she’s totally into me.
I was yawning and mentioned my sleep was interrupted by a child in my bed.
My son pipes up and says “well I sleep great last night…because I’m not a parent.”