Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

God making man in his image was the original selfie

Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?

I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.

some cats are just doing for fun!

When someone says “I expected more of you”, I’m always like “well who’s fault is that?”

Party Tip:

At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.

Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”

Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.

at my size, i’d be called buffet the vampire slayer.

7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”

I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.

[bank robbery]

Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*

can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.

– Are you even listening to me?

– Of course I am

– Ok, what did I just ask you?

– If I’m listening to you

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?

me hitting on a model

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

wife: did you vacuum under the couch

me: yep I did the whole basement

welp

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies