Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!

Things that alarm my 5yo

Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick

Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt

Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce

My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

My family: u about to go to work???

Me in my work clothes:

Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake

Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling

Slipping the bouncer a twenty and asking him to rough me up a little on the way out

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.

[during sex]

her: choke me

me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?

psychic: ok I’ll tell you

me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?

psychic: no I’m pretty confident

“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

you never realize how long a minute is until you’re doing cardio.

*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*

police: put ur hands behind ur back

me: are u mad at me

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

My lighter has two settings:

1: Spark, spark, spark

2: No left eyebrow

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.

My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”

Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.

Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.