“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
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WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Tonight my wife is making us watermelon mojitos and if you think you can’t find true love on the Internet well you’re wrong because that’s where she found the recipe.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs[adds pepper]
Needed pepper[eats egg]
Mmm brains
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
They say women only use 10% of their anger
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.