“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.
This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.
Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales
This is Miles. He was asked what he was doing. And explained very clearly. 13/10
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
For the ones in the back.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
I just walked by my manager, I’m carrying a drill and a fire extinguisher. He just shook his head and kept walking. He doesn’t even ask anymore. That’s growth.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
