“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I failed as a person; I’m a dinosaur now.
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My time has come.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Strive for greatness. Do 15 pushups instead of 10. Run 3 miles instead of 2. Burn your ex’s house down. Eat the whole cake instead of a slice. I believe in you.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I’m giving up for Lent.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
