i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
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it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
Dead sexy!!
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Me: I’m so stressed
Heart: play some music you’ll feel better
Stomach: feed me cookies you’ll feel better
Brain: cut all your hair off
Me: wait what?
Brain: today.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids: