I came this close!!!!
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I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
i love muttering “none of my business” as i delete an email that is definitely my business
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?
me: yes
[next time opening the document]
microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
If you ever see a daft looking bloke on a horse, don’t request that he holds your spear. Ask a silly equestrian, get a silly lancer.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I get so annoyed when horror movies begin with the family moving to a new house, and the parents say “This place will be good for us. We will finally be happy here.”
But you already know they’re not going to be happy, because the movie is called “The Ghost That Ate Grandma”.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?