I came this close!!!!
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Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I always assume people with red cars were drunk when they went to the dealership.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
the only organized thing in my life is crime
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.