It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
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Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Close the door.
You’re letting the wifi out.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.