@GigsIsMyName

I came this close!!!!

You Might Also Like

@shashaintl

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

@steeve_again

Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no notโ€” wait really

@POTerritory

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

@beefman138

“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.

@KeatonPatti

If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.

@notnuthin

old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online

@ScottLinnen

Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?

@salamingia

Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.