I came this close!!!!

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Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.


Torturer: you shock him this time

Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle

Torturer: no notโ€” wait really


Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”


“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.

– Low key.


If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.


old lady: that’s not necessary

me: [installing twitter on her phone] look lady i carried your bags, the least u can do is follow me online


Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?


Wanna burn fat quickly and without dieting?

Here, take this gasoline and matches.