FRED: right
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My favorite part about sci-fi movies is when all aliens and people from other worlds only speak English
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty