Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.

*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*

Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying

I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.

[normally]
my bed has four corners

[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?

me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole

“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.

Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles

Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles

I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.

If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.

I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.

Me: I look like shit today.

Shit: you wish buddy.

Me: How much for the doggy in the window

Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here

I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:

lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞

Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]

I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy

My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.

Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.