I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
You Might Also Like
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
