I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
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i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
Witness: and in the lead up to the trial I was being intimidated, finding dead animals left on my doorstep.
Cat lawyer: objection! How can we trust someone who doesn’t know a BRIBE when they see one?
cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado
It’s easier for me to bite than my dogs, my neighbors finally get it
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”