I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
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Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
After a certain age your body is like a car boot sale….
Some stuff looks old, some stuff doesn’t work, and some stuff you can’t even identify.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: Street magic
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Just got revenge on someone who wronged me 6 Years ago. Never be Relaxed ever. I’m coming
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
2022 be like
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.