I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
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I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Cucumbers Anonymous
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
kids are all grown up so I guess it’s time to teach the cat to drive
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
🔥🔥
Can’t tell who liked my tweet so from here on out, I will assume every like is coming from my crush.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this