Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.

*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

one of the most classic red flags is when a guy says “you would look so adorable shrunken down and trapped inside one of my orbs.” it might sound like a compliment, but you mustn’t fall for it

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.

sry

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

*holding a hose*

Husband: What are you doing?

Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.

Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?

Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

{about to have sex}

Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse

Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco

How to paint a live flamingo:

1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it

There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for life

So anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.

If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.

Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu

[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket

Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

The principal (who is retiring next week) emailed us all to “remind” us that we aren’t supposed to show movies. There’s 7 days left. Who does she think she’s kidding

If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.