8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
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People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.
I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.