I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs

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8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before


People who talk to themselves tend to be better lovers. Did you know that?

Yes, I did know that. Thank you for asking.


I hope I never go to jail because I haven’t memorized a phone number since 2006.


Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.

Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.


Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business


BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota


Genie: I shall grant you three wis-

Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me

Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…


Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you


Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.