*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
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When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
This kinda thing happens to me often
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Me: What should I wear on my date
Friend: An expensive dress shirt
*Later*
Me: Hi
Her: Is that the top of a wedding gown
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle