I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
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Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I am absolutely never leaving this website
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.