I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
[god creating jellyfish]
how bout an evil bag
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.