I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
You Might Also Like
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
me after i passed that state trooper
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Pat is about to own someone
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin