I can also cook 😂
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i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
spicy snake
I think the 2 yr old is ready to watch Texas Chainsaw Massacre
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive
friend: flirting how?
me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Imagine having a cool ass name like Theodore, and then people just call you Ted.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..