I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
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Ratatouille is my favorite movie based on a true story.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
This will teach them to underestimate me
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
Heck of a week to be a 50-year-old journalist working with people in their 20s when the news has been about pagers and now Tupperware.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.