i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
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I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
Saw two dads share a dad joke out in the wild.
At a grocery store, two guys exchanging a cart. The guy taking the cart said “did ya put some gas in it?” And the other guy patted the cart and said “yep, filled ‘er up for ya” and they had a good little chuckle together
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment