Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.

Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

Wife: Can you make the bed

Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon

It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.

Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

im all 3

By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.

-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable

I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.

Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.

“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”

-Mormon kids

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.

wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

felt that

[hits you in the face with newspaper]

“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”

My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.

Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.

I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.