Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it

Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies

Me: and they never will be!

[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”

That’s a stray gerbil.

“And those fish??”

…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM

When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.

I’m a new werewolf and I have questions

-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.

My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”

Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?

Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment

[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha

Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea

Me: ooo I love diarrhea

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”

Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”

i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me

(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.

My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.

What legos do when we’re not looking.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.

Chess in Australia must be hard.

“Check, mate”

“Checkmate?”

“What?”

“Huh?”

5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.