Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.

My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.

Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!

Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust

[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO

[my first day as a mechanic]

customer: i need an oil change

me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.

[first day as a genetic scientist]

co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves

me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

[speaking at an AA meeting]

Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding

*everyone cheers*

Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.

Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.

Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”

Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.

Me: How long have you had the other one?

What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.